Friendship can be a tricky thing. In today’s day and age, easy and unrestrained access to smart phones and social media means we are inevitably further connected and mired into each other’s lives, especially compared to the seemingly idyllic lives of our predecessors. Such level of intimacy can very well turn into something unpleasant and even officious. Sometimes, it’s best to throw that anchor which keeps dragging you down. We’re talking about those “friends” whose calls you avoid, whose texts you ignore, and whose plans you keep cancelling. In the spirit of Asli Yaari, we raise a toast to the following special “friends” of ours. See if you find any of yours on this list.
We all have that one blabbermouth who can’t help but not keep his/her mouth shut. This person is always eager to share the latest gossip, including some well-kept secrets of a poor chap, who probably thought was safely confided with this person. In fact, ever wondered how your parents found out about that one time you called your friends over for a party?
Yeah, it was probably that loudmouth friend, who told his snitch brother, who told their parents, who unfortunately decided to bring it up in front of your folks and their friends at a cocktail party. Hope you like those new close-circuit cameras they installed.
The Sweet Talker
This type is the easiest one to miss, perhaps because of how craftily this person hides himself in the saccharine rug. They know just what to say and when to say it. You will always find them wheedle and fawn, always eager to please, and always concur with any opinion you have, no matter how stupid. Still not convinced? Consider feigning a ludicrous statement such as “The new Justin Bieber song is an imaginative piece of work,” and if the immediate response is worded anything close to “Hmm.. I couldn’t agree more! I am quite taken by all of Justin Bieber tracks just as much! True artists aren’t appreciated in their time,” you are certain you have got yourself a deceitful ‘yes man’.
They may always seem super polite and never put a word out of place, but it’s safe to say that they definitely have their own agenda. Here’s a word of advice: never entirely trust anyone who says that you don’t look all that fat in the new XXL shirt, or he who is trying to pass off Bieber as a work of art.
Nothing you say or do can be enough for this annoying friend. Wikipedia is gospel truth for them as well as their smartphone browser’s homepage. They keep pushing you to the edge by relentlessly (read: carpingly) correcting your grammar and spouting stupid, unsolicited facts that nobody wants to know—nobody really cares that the dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle! Get over it!
The most annoying ones, however, are the types that pull out their phones, thrust it in your face, and go “See, the capital of Turkey is Ankara, and not Istanbul.” Avoid going to bars with this one at all cost.
Ah, the clown; you either hate them or love them. These morons are always ready to go to any stakes for a laugh, and a normal day in their life is enough material for a whole series of annoying YouTube videos.
However, for most of us, their constant practical jokes and sad one-liners get stale really fast. Drop your guard around them, and the next thing you see is your food taped to the ceiling.
The Control Freak
If you’ve ever had to think twice about the type of perfume you are wearing after knowing that this friend is joining the party, then congratulations, you have a control freak for a friend. They’re also the first to decide the party playlist and menu, and the ones that force you to try their “yummy” vegan burgers.
Between nagging parents and obsessive partners, the last thing you need is a friend telling you that you should change your hairstyle because it makes you look like a hobo. To deal with these types, go all out and do everything that annoys them. “Don’t like my floral shirt and orange pants? Deal with it!”… Just kidding, even we recommend that you should go nowhere wearing orange pants.
At times, it’s no biggie dealing with the Weirdo, while at the more embarrassing times it takes all your energy to stop yourself from tearing your hair out. They are mostly harmless, though it can be annoying talking to a person only to have them pause mid-conversation and ask about funny noises.
The ones you need to watch out for are the Class-A crazies, like the ones who butt into conversations at a party with a horribly awkward topic—“So is your ex-wife still in rehab for her coke addiction?” “Did I say something wrong?” “Why is everyone silent?”
These self-proclaimed castaways will not dither to pause and wonder what they are about to utter before they ask, according to them, a seemingly benign question such as “What will happen if vampires contract jaundice after sucking blood rich in Hepatitis B.”
Ever been with a friend who can easily be passed off as, umm, a finely plastered wall? These kinds are probably be too busy checking their smartphone at restaurants, gazing into their pretty countenances on their snazzy front-view cameras, or planning their packed schedule for the day.
There really isn’t much to talk about this type, except that the fewer friends you have like this, the better it is for your self-esteem.
The Lovelorn Loser
No circle of friends is complete without a proverbial Lovelorn loser. The guy with the sad mopey face, who is constantly checking his phone for a message from their ex, and worse, after a sudden sway of wistful emotions, calls this ex after a perfectly delightful round of drinks. Having them as a friend generally leads to more frequent visits to the bar punctuated with depressing conversations about the ‘evil women’ or ‘that dog!’.
The upside to this one is that they usually get better after a while… until the next girl comes along and the cycle is reset. Sigh.
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